Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Ask Him To On An Index Card

"Nick and Elly sit at a Jandek concert, pondering his genius"

2008-11-19T12:03:00.002-06:00

True story: my friend Jimmy was introduced to Jandek at a bar a couple of years ago, not too terribly long after he revealed himself to be a flesh and blood human and began playing live (mostly at festivals in Scotland for some reason). According to Jimmy, Jandek was soft-spoken and very polite, and at one point mentioned that he "didn't get out much."

Sometimes it is very cool to live in Houston.

"Where's Waldo? In 'Hell" by Hieronymous Bosch"

2008-11-02T19:11:00.002-06:00

If I had more than 3"x5" to work with (and, y'know, was a better artist), this would be the funniest thing I've ever drawn. Promise.

Art History majors, close your eyes and imagine what this should look like. Everybody else, Google Hieronymous Bosch.

"Joe Mathlete Takes a Year to Draw An Index Card"

2008-10-27T23:19:00.004-06:00

"Whoops!"

So this wasn't requested by anyone, but I did, indeed, take damn near a year to draw several of the index cards people ordered. This was due more to what I mentioned in the previous post than to Dark Shadows marathons, but thanks to some helpful correspondence I'm pretty much back on the horse (ATTN: Gloria B-- email me that Paypal receipt!).

Check back in over the next couple days as I continue to play catchup. After that... surprising surprises? For serious!

And... I think that's it

2008-07-01T14:08:00.002-06:00

To the best of my knowledge, I'm pretty sure I've caught up with all pending index card orders. The mountain of disorganization that is my inbox, combined with the fact that I've moved seven (seven!) times since 2006, could prove otherwise, but as far as I can tell I am square.

As of last week I'd stuck all the unshipped cards in the mailbox and sent them on their merry way. If you have been (so very patiently) waiting for an index card for awhile and it hasn't arrived by Monday, email me (themathletes AAATTT yahoo DDDOOOTTT com) and let's figure out what happened.

Future plans: Hmm...

"Joe Mathlete being my boyfriend"

2008-05-15T17:12:00.000-06:00

Yikes!

"A polar bear beating Bill's ass while Payne eats a popsicle"

2008-05-12T22:46:00.002-06:00

Man, Payne's a jerk.

"Patrick Swayze Riding a Unicorn with Sam Elliot (Moustached Sam Elliot)"

2008-05-06T16:58:00.002-06:00

The following are among the things I cannot draw:

1. Celebrities
2. Unicorns (or any kind of horse-like being)

The following are among the things I kick ass at drawing:

1. Magical rainbows

"a Oaxacan cockfight"

2008-05-02T14:53:00.002-06:00

Use your imagination. I have no idea what's going on in that censor'd bubble, but I do know it's horrifying.

"George the bad cat being very bad"

2008-05-01T14:01:00.002-06:00

George's mischievousness aside, it's pretty irresponsible to keep all your eggs (Homeland Security files and AIDS cures) in one basket/gigantic open cardboard box.

Good news, art patrons!

2008-05-01T13:52:00.002-06:00

This blog is totally not dead anymore. It's still probably near-dead, compared to a lot of things on the internet, but it's a start.

I will begin slowly uploading the final batch of cards in my "to do queue," some of which have been kicking around since last Autumn. Beyond that, after an unbelievably terrifying period where I thought I had lost everything, I have recovered all of the cards I have yet to ship out (in a little box in my friend's storage closet. Here's a tip for those of you who move a lot, or ever: get your shit together better than me).

I thank you all tremendously for your patience (yet again), even those of you who asked for refunds during my long months in the wilderness of not updating. Frankly it's kind of ridiculous it takes me so long to do this stuff, but hey: good artist, shitty capitalist, huh?

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

"Chuckmo the Octopus Releases his First Record"

2007-12-10T19:10:00.000-06:00

You should ALWAYS read a contract before you sign it, or else you might have to go on Carson Daly's show.

"ROAD TRIP: Erin and Colleen eat a lot of shampoo"

2007-12-05T03:17:00.000-06:00

Kind of like a Hunter S. Thompson novel, only retarded.

"A clownfish, a butterflyfish and a bullshark sharing pizza"

2007-11-18T16:03:00.000-06:00

It wasn't easy getting Papa John's to deliver to the ocean.

"Jefferson gets a dinosaur pen pal"

2007-11-16T01:11:00.000-06:00

How does he see what he's writing?

I fully acknowledge the irony that I ended the last post with "I'll be here all week"

2007-11-01T15:59:00.000-06:00

And now it's a month later. Anyway, I've got an update for you.

Due to circumstances more or less within my control, I am not accepting any more index card orders for the time being. Due to circumstances sort of but not really within my control, I have had to take some time off from the drawing racket. I have a good deal of cards in my queue, and I will most likely be working on those for the remainder of the year.

However!

I will begin semi-regular updates as two weeks from now, as I work through the backlog I've accumulated. Once I'm more or less caught up, I will resume orders and things will continue as normal. I am also considering adding a crayon-free black and white option, which would be a bit cheaper than the standard choice.

Those of you who have yet to receive cards I've posted, I apologize for the delay in shipping. Be assured that I fully intend to fulfill my originally stated promise to fill all orders within five months, but no longer stand by my claim that "it'll probably be more like one or two months."

Thanks to everyone who has participated in and enjoyed, or at least not hated, this here little project of mine.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

"Osama Bin Loiterin'"

2007-10-03T01:38:00.000-06:00

This scenario is highly implausible, of course... It assumes that the U.S. military is actually trying to find Bin Laden in the first place. (pause for laughter, applause)

Thank you, ladies and germs, I'll be here all week.

"simpatico soul sisters trolling for men"

2007-10-01T21:34:00.000-06:00

Oh, I kill me.

"Joe Mathlete's dad is my boss"

2007-09-30T21:04:00.000-06:00

I come from a long line of piglet bathers.

"Cat Scratch Fervor"

2007-09-20T01:23:00.000-06:00

Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

"Dennis Kucinich can too be president"

2007-09-17T16:19:00.000-06:00

He was this close to just having his wife run in his place.

"Four girls jumping naked from a railing into the Caribbean Sea"

2007-09-12T02:37:00.000-06:00

The Caribbean Sea just sits there all day, waiting for something like this to happen.

"Frank the Zombie enjoys the county fair and his new top hat"

2007-09-09T23:31:00.000-06:00

If we'd just have more county fairs, America wouldn't have nearly as bad a zombie problem. Instead, I can't go outside at night without at least two friends and three shotguns. Thanks a lot, President Bush!

(I screwed up this one's title a bit when I was writing it on the card... The actual requested phrase is above. "Oops!")

"The most beautiful girl in the world comes face-to-face with her own mortality"

2007-09-07T01:52:00.000-06:00

Sobering, huh?

"Picasso's Guernica, featuring Marmaduke"

2007-09-05T03:03:00.000-06:00

Take THAT, Picasso's Guernica!

(Hey, look at that... Two cards in a row featuring Marmaduke, and two cards in a row that I had to do research for)

"Marmaduke eating those damn 'Love Is' kids"

2007-09-04T03:05:00.000-06:00

I had never actually seen the 'Love Is' comic strip before I got this request. It's absolutely horrifying.

"Anne & I in our new apartment by the El in Chicago"

2007-08-30T01:37:00.000-06:00

Trains are assholes.

"Check out Dr. Jana's big brain!"

2007-08-27T21:42:00.000-06:00

Finally they have proof that it's not just a big skull with a normal-sized brain inside.

"Dave playing his drumkit on his 26th birthday"

2007-08-22T14:55:00.000-06:00

"Happy Birthday" is in waltz time, usually at a very slow tempo... Not impossible to rock out to, but difficult nonetheless. Easier if you're whatever creature Dave there is, with the four arms and all.

"Jenn blows out the bacon-based candles on her birthday cake. Which is also bacon-based"

2007-08-20T17:51:00.000-06:00

I am more or less certain that Jenn is not an Orthodox Jew. If she is, she's possibly the worst ever.

"Elvis buys a taco"

2007-08-17T05:55:00.000-06:00

They had the good sense to set this stand up right next to Graceland. Niche marketing at its most devious.

"a chicken and a half laying an egg and a half next to a grasshopper with a wooden leg poking the seeds out of a pickle"

2007-08-16T22:35:00.000-06:00

Kids, don't do drugs.

"Beyond the call of duty"

2007-08-12T19:25:00.000-06:00

Blend-Ola industrial-size blender: $16,000
Bag of intestines: $45
Black market shopping spree at the San Diego Zoo: $56,000
DIY hot dogs: probably a bad idea

Hey, lookit! I'm in a newspaper!

2007-08-10T14:21:00.000-06:00

And, more specifically, this project/site/web blog is in a newspaper.

"Custom art for less than $20," by Jay Cridlin (St. Petersburg Times)

Check it, dexter. And check back next week for another batch of cards; if you've ever wanted to see how hotdogs are made, you're going to be very pleased.

"Skooshka Buschka"

2007-07-25T07:29:00.000-06:00

After a great deal of painstaking research turned up absolutely no information whatsoever what the words "Skooshka Buschka" might mean, I was forced to assume that it was a character from Russian folklore. And naturally, like most characters from Russian folklore (according to the Cold War-era kids' encyclopedias I inherited from my dad), Skooshka Buschka is a grotesque witch-troll who steals children.

"Anne and Steven visit Ireland"

2007-07-24T06:51:00.000-06:00

In case you're wondering, the car is both powered and steered by blarney.

"Ara and Darth Vader sharing some birthday cake"

2007-07-23T09:33:00.000-06:00

Attention Star Wars enthusiasts: if I did not get Darth Vader's costume right, I don't want to hear about it (though I will say this: I already know that he doesn't normally wear a party hat on top of his helmet).

"Brian and Brad enjoy some delicious ham"

2007-07-03T07:19:00.000-06:00

Ham so delicious it's constantly exploding.

"a plastic starfish playing records for a captive marine life audience in an aquarium"

2007-07-02T00:43:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure those are all Foghat albums.

"Shanna loves her cats, Princess & Trenton"

2007-06-26T07:32:00.000-06:00

Although I'm not entirely sure she understands HOW to love them all that well.

"A Polish Sausage Wearing Lederhosen"

2007-06-23T17:17:00.000-06:00

... just totally minding its own business, without a care in the world.

"three guys at a table eating mozzerella sticks"

2007-06-23T17:12:00.000-06:00

See kids? Who says you need drugs to have a rockin' good time?

"Osama Bin Audited"

2007-06-23T17:05:00.000-06:00

All he has left is a few flies, and even those are apparently going away now.

"Monkeys taking over the world"

2007-06-21T13:56:00.000-06:00

I have no idea why destroying Paris is so central to their plans. We should figure that out soon, though, to make sure this never comes to be.

"A cosmic duck race"

2007-06-20T07:47:00.000-06:00

I continue catching up on previously-placed orders with one of my all-time favorite requests. This is maybe the only thing in the world better than a regular duck race.

Holy crap I am so taking orders again

2007-06-19T16:36:00.000-06:00

Things are still gonna be somewhat rocky for a little while; I just moved and have no internet access at home at the moment, and am still depending on the kindness of strangers for use of a scanner, but things are slowly beginning to settle down. My mailing situation is stabilizing, and it looks like I'm ready to start this whole shebang up again. Huzzah, right?

I did a minor revamp of the old order form page... You might notice a couple of slight differences, noticeably the price ($11.99). It's true that this is a rather significant increase over what it was when I stopped taking orders last month ($5.99), but it reflects both how much I genuinely think they're worth when you factor in how much time I put into each one and general awesomeness, and also how much I hope I don't get inundated with bajillions of requests. I'm working on developing a way to get 36 hours out of every day, though, so stay tuned.

Click here to read the specifics and get a card of your own, if you like. Remember to read the fine print on the order page before ordering, on account of I said so.

I've got a post office guy to help me with post office stuff now, too, so things will likely be far less moronic in that sense in the future. Can I get a hell yeah. Thank you.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

"Skunky boozin' with Unkie"

2007-06-19T07:56:00.000-06:00

Unkie is a bad influence and there's no two ways about it.

"a handsome man with a shaved head overcooks spaghetti"

2007-06-18T11:46:00.000-06:00

Remember: handsome is in the eye of the beholder. In this case, the beholder is the man with the shaved head, who happens to be incredibly vain.

"a wizard f&#king a unicorn"

2007-06-13T21:11:00.000-06:00

Don't worry, it's consensual. The unicorn's just not in the mood.

"A princess makes Triscuit Surprises"

2007-06-13T20:53:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry that I ruined the surprise of Triscuit Surprises by showing the ingredients here.

"Osama Bin Bloggin'"

2007-06-10T22:46:00.000-06:00

I've never actually heard My Chemical Romance, but I saw a picture once and I'm reasonably sure they are not the new Queen. Not a single moustache among them.

"a giant anteater drowns his sorrows at the bar alone after being laid off by the box factory"

2007-06-10T22:40:00.000-06:00

After a couple more drinks he starts yelling at the bartender for not having little bowls full of ants to go along with the bar nuts.

"a very short vacation"

2007-06-10T22:33:00.001-06:00

Ha! That's rich. Hey, think of it this way: on a geological scale that was barely a blink of an eye. Everything's relative.

Anyway, I'm back in action now. Expect something resembling an order form to go up Monday evening. Also, if you haven't received your card yet even though I've drawn it and posted the picture on this blog, that's because, uh, I haven't mailed it. I realized a little while ago that I've just kind of been sitting on a lot of these for awhile rather than post office-ing them (metaphorically, not literally... they're in a little box, not under my ass). That'll be all different and stuff sooner than later.

In other news, today I had a hot dog for lunch and it was just okay.

This blog is going on a very short vacation

2007-05-16T07:09:00.000-06:00

For just like a day or two, on account of my scanner being fucked up. I will figure out a solution very soon in the form of fixing, purchasing, borrowing, stealing, or some combination thereof.

In unrelated news (other than, y'know, it has to do with me drawing index cards), I will resume taking orders on Monday, June 11, the Yeare of our Lorde 2007; mark your calendars and start thinking of what you would like to have immortalized on a 3x5 inch piece of cardstock.

"Me and you with kangaroos, partying like it's 1999"

2007-05-14T13:58:00.000-06:00

God, that looks like an awesome party. Other than the 1999 music.

"A hippo, wearing kelly green Chucks and a paper hat, playing the violin"

2007-05-14T13:51:00.000-06:00

I wonder if he's playing "Slow Ride."

Just kidding. Of COURSE he's playing "Slow Ride."

"'Go Texan' day as celebrated by a New York law firm"

2007-05-13T03:34:00.000-06:00

Being from Texas myself, I am incredibly upset at all of this, especially how wrong they got our flag.

Incidentally, I've noticed everyone from Texas (myself included) is intensely proud of being from Texas, even if they hate actually living in Texas. It's awesome and bizarre.

"The meaning of life"

2007-05-13T03:33:00.000-06:00

You asked for it.

"a dog that thinks he is a person and also dresses like a dockworker from the 1930s"

2007-05-13T03:28:00.000-06:00

Where did he get that outfit?

"Me not getting laid again"

2007-05-09T01:27:00.000-06:00

This one was sort of ambiguous. In response to the "What would you like Joe Mathlete to draw for you on an index card?" he put "Me not getting laid again." I wasn't 100% sure who the "me" referred to... Me-me, or him-me? It was a tough call, but I eventually went with depicting someone else.... If I had drawn me-me not getting laid again, the picture would have been a duckling at a desk coloring furiously, a wastebasket overflowing with crumpled index cards next to his feet, with a thought bubble saying "I'm so clever!"

But I drew this instead.

"Wimpie the Bulldog"

2007-05-09T01:03:00.000-06:00

I like Wimpie. Don't you like Wimpie? I like Wimpie. How could anyone not like Wimpie? Look at him. He is great. Just look at him.

I like Wimpie.

"The folly of life."

2007-05-08T02:30:00.000-06:00

Of course, if pigs actually could talk then bacon lovers would probably see their side of things a lot more easily, but you get my drift.

"What the f@#k did that penguin eat for lunch?"

2007-05-08T02:28:00.000-06:00

I'm not telling, but I'm reasonably sure it wasn't just krill.

"Sarah and Ameera: awesome long distance friendship"

2007-05-08T02:26:00.000-06:00

Doesn't get much more awesome than knock knock jokes.

"a little girl smoking a cigarette"

2007-05-08T02:24:00.000-06:00

She looks rather grim... You think a little girl smoking a cigarette would be having a lot more fun with it.

Stuff from that art show I was in, part one

2007-05-07T02:17:00.000-06:00

So I got to be a part of this thing where a bunch of folks made art on 6" x 8" pieces of cardboard. It was fun. I did pretty much my standard Sharpies and Crayolas routine, but got to think everything up myself, so in that sense I guess it counts as a stretch. Also the drawings were, y'know, bigger. And on a brown background, not a white one. Artistic growth is rad.

I'll return with the regular stuff soon, but I figured I'd put these up 'cuz why not. I'm almost ready to start taking requests/orders again (next week I should be all caught up); thanks for your patience, those of you who are still waiting for your Jabba the Hut pooping out Willard Scott's grandma or whatever.

"BEAR VS. DUCK"

"KNOW YOUR PORK"

"SO IT GOES" (drew this the day I found out Kurt Vonnegut died. He was good at books)

"NOTHING PERSONAL, JUST BUSINESS" (almost went with "FUCK THA POLICE")

"Bruce Campbell (who is awesome) dominating Steven Seagal (who is scared)"

2007-05-03T16:05:00.000-06:00

A stubbly buttchin embarassing a ponytail. I'm not one to toot my own horn or anything, but this picture proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am the single greatest artist of this or any other generation.

"Two jackasses redecorate their kitchen"

2007-05-03T16:01:00.000-06:00

The beer poster was already there; the addition of the naked lady poster is what makes it REdecorating.

"too many helicopters"

2007-05-03T15:54:00.000-06:00

How sad is it to think that, in a decade or so, Dakota Fanning is probably going to be one of those coked-up Lohanesque vag-flashers embarassing herself all over perezhilton.com? I hope that's not the case, but the odds are against her.

Also, this was one of my favorite requests yet. Just wanted to say that.

"Hepcats on the prowl"

2007-05-03T15:50:00.000-06:00

That one cat's so hep he doesn't even know what words mean.

"Alex Trebek tells Jeffy from the Family Circus that he's his true father"

2007-05-01T13:21:00.000-06:00

Alex was kind enough to grow back his moustache just for this picture.

"Erin really likes whiskey"

2007-05-01T13:19:00.000-06:00

I would go as far as to say she loves it.

"a penguin in flight, with cool sunglasses on"

2007-04-28T01:33:00.000-06:00

The US military is so hard up for recruits these days that they're allowing new-wave penguins to enlist.

"The Notre-Dame de Reims under attack by space dinosaurs, being valiantly defended by a giant Woody Allen"

2007-04-28T01:27:00.000-06:00

Being even the slightest bit confrontational like this is basically as valiant as Woody Allen gets, giant or otherwise.

"John Madden and Captain Planet hang out on a Sunday afternoon"

2007-04-27T02:32:00.000-06:00

Don't quote me on this, but I believe they met through AA.

"Angry Cats Staring Down Clowns"

2007-04-27T02:29:00.000-06:00

One theory is the one with the hat is hiding their squeaky toys in his pants, but it's hard to say with such a vague title. As I've said before, genius works of art that stand the test of time are open to many varying interpretations.

"Two dinosaurs shooting lasers out of their mouths, and a bear is riding one of the dinosaurs"

2007-04-27T02:19:00.000-06:00

The one on the left is a brontosaurus or whatever, not just a stalk with a head... he's in the foreground and you can't see the rest of his body. I would draw trees and stuff to give perspective, but perspective is something people who took art classes can do, and I am not such a person.

"Ben and Kristine (Ben's tall, Kristine's really short)"

2007-04-27T02:15:00.000-06:00

I sure hope the real-life Ben and Kristine like flowers.

"Dairy Farm Outsourced to Space"

2007-04-23T17:20:00.000-06:00

In space, no one can hear you cream.

... I hate myself.

"Tigger Kicks his Owner's Boyfriend Out of Bed"

2007-04-23T17:11:00.000-06:00

Throws, kicks, whatever. The point is, if Tigger's pissed that someone's cutting into his snuggle time, he's going to be proactive about it.

"Moby Dick appears on Jay Leno's show with Charo, a longtime Friend of the Whales"

2007-04-19T11:37:00.000-06:00

This drawing may have scads of personal meaning for the person who asked for it, or they may have just been in the middle of a fever dream when they were requesting it. Regardless, I like Moby's eyebrows quite a bit.

"Joe Mathlete beats up the entire Owner-Family (including Marmaduke)"

2007-04-19T00:15:00.000-06:00

It didn't have to be this way, but I've got certain responsibilities.

"A SPIN Magazine research assistant fighting a bear"

2007-04-17T00:12:00.000-06:00

The bear is STILL pissed they gave Bandwagonesque album of the year over Loveless.

"John D. Rockefeller getting a wedgie in front of Big Ben & Parliament"

2007-04-17T00:07:00.000-06:00

That may or may not be what Parliament really looks like, but it was a beautiful day out and like hell I was going to spend it on google.

"A penguin boxing an armadillo"

2007-04-16T00:50:00.000-06:00

The relationship between this penguin and armadillo is incredibly complex and layered. Starting with the fact that they are a penguin and armadillo, and have some sort of relationship. If I ever begin a comic strip with recurring characters, I think I'm going to use these guys.

"a monkey in a cowboy suit riding a dog, attempting to lasso a midget dressed as a clown"

2007-04-16T00:45:00.000-06:00

I hope boots and a hat are enough to qualify as a "suit."

I am going to be in a real-live art exhibit

2007-04-12T00:51:00.000-06:00

Not me, I mean... Things I made.

Click here for some extreme curiosity sating!

"Lincoln in a helicopter totally raping General Lee, who has no helicopter"

2007-04-09T23:56:00.000-06:00

THAT oughta show him.

"draw me... TEN PIRATES!"

2007-04-09T23:44:00.000-06:00

The parrot was awarded full pirate status after he betrayed a guy and buried him alive with some treasure, so he counts towards the final pirate-count.

"welcoming our new robotic overlords"

2007-04-08T23:50:00.000-06:00

Tim and Cindy are so screwed... Robots totally hate cake.

"Sarah, collector of 8's"

2007-04-08T23:39:00.000-06:00

"I'm losing my edge / I'm losing my edge / the kids / are coming up from behind / I'm losing my edge /to the art-school Brooklynites / with their little jackets / and their borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered 8's"

- LCD Soundsystem (almost)

"Mean Polar Bears"

2007-04-08T23:34:00.000-06:00

"You're fat" is absolutely the meanest possible thing you can say to a little girl who is a little bit chunky.

"The folly of people from Denmark being named after a delicious breakfast pastry"

2007-04-03T08:07:00.000-06:00

The real folly is that they're too polite to tell people to stop gnawing on people with the firmness and determination such a request ought to warrant.

"Alice and James Get Married"

2007-04-03T08:01:00.000-06:00

Between getting married and lawyering, James is about as busy as a tiny green fish can be.

"Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde having fun"

2007-04-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

I can only imagine what that must feel like.

"A butterflyfish as a law student"

2007-04-01T20:35:00.000-06:00

I don't know what a butterflyfish is, but I know that they look like that.

"Snoop Dogg as a ballet dancer"

2007-03-28T23:51:00.001-06:00

In terms of embarrassing career moves, this is almost as bad as when he signed to No Limit. Seriously... Master P? What were you thinking, Calvin? What were you thinking, America circa 1998?

"most stable conformation of cis-1-t-butyl-3-ethylcyclohexane"

2007-03-28T22:12:00.000-06:00

He's even started watching American Idol, so he can keep up with the conversations at the office... Can't get any more conformed or stable than that.

(Like hell I was going to look up somebody's chemistry exam question and draw some periodic table bullcrap.)

"Luke gets paid to watch movies"

2007-03-27T22:31:00.000-06:00

I wonder if he has to review them, too...

"a tap-dancing hippo in a tux"

2007-03-27T22:28:00.000-06:00

When you're a tap-dancing hippo in a tux, focus is everything.

"James argues his case to the jury"

2007-03-25T23:04:00.000-06:00

His argument actually made perfect sense; the jury's confusion stems from the fact that it was a burglary trial.