"Dorian the mathlete trains for the big match"

A side note: my surname does not mean that I am particularly good at math. I'm actually rather terrible at it... It's sort of a bummer. If your last name is "Carpenter" and you suck at hammering and sawing and stuff, you know what I mean.

Anyway, even if I practiced multiplying or whatever for ten years, I'd have nothing on Dorian here... Dude's been eating Number O's since he was in short pants.

"Shame"

Poor little guy.

"Food Chain"

Sometimes I just sort of end up going bananas when I'm making these. I was asked to do "a food chain that includes a panda and a penguin," but ended up not being able to fit the whole title on the card.

Marmaduke-Related Cards, Part One

As some of you may know, I maintain a blog where I make fun of a terrible comic strip. As part of a cross-promotional deal with said site, anyone who preordered a t-shirt with swears on it got a free index card. A number of them requested/ inspired cards relating to said comic strip, and I have done my best to convey both their creative vision and my own interpretation of the title character (a terrifyingly humongous tyrant/force of nature with very little awareness of the well-being of anything other than himself). Here's the first installment of those works:

"Marmaduke eating a small child"

"Marmaduke devours his owner-man"
"This cat ate Marmaduke"

"The Hubble telescope being attacked by aliens and mice"

And not a moment too soon. Seriously, if I have see one more picture of that stupid outer space horsehead cloud I am going to vomit.

Sammy Davis Jr., had he been present for the birth of Christ"

From Wikipedia: "Though often referenced in pop culture, Davis Jr.'s notorious "crazy fake-eyeball trick" was never been captured on film, nor was it often performed. Towards the end of his career, after swearing off caffeine, Davis Jr. told his biographer the trick was "not something I'm particularly proud of. Nowadays I only do it on Christmas morning, or sometimes for babies or barnyard animals." [citation needed]

"Dana + Derric = true love"

I really should have posted this on Valentine's Day... In hindsight, that might have been really nice of me. Crud.

Anyway, having never hung out with Dana and Derric I do not know which one is which, or if either looks at all like one of these vegetables* I drew.

*: I learned this a few weeks ago, and now I get to correct people who correct me. Wikipedia is AWESOME!

"ROYGBIV swimming with the fish"

For a second I was going to pretend that was the name of an album from a mid-70s British prog-rock band and draw the cover, but I'm bad at fancy fonts so it would have sucked.

"Joe Mathlete meets some aliens"

It turns out they had gotten bad directions or something... They thought I was somebody else, and it was super awkward after that. We made small talk for a couple minutes, then they got inside their spaceship and flew away. I think they were kind of drunk, but I've never met aliens before so maybe all of them act like they were acting and aren't very good at driving their spaceships.

"2 yorkies - Mr. Nasty and Sweet Lucy"

Having never hung out with Mr. Nasty and Sweet Lucy, I do not know which one is which, or if either looks at all like one of these dogs I drew (I had to google "yorkies" to make sure I was thinking of the right kind of dog). For all I know, they might not even be real dogs, but just the thing the guy who requested it really, really wanted me to draw for him. Either way's fine by me.

"A concert from reunited Swedish supergroup ABBA, with a banner or some indication that they have reunited "for Betsy" (my wife and super ABBA fan)"

I couldn't very well fit that entire title up there, but luckily the banner gets the point across well enough.

"Farewell Typewriter"

You will be missed.

"A Magical Elf"

In your FACE, grizzly bear.

"the unstoppable force of a rhino"

Part of getting the most out of being a creature with terrifying brute strength is knowing when not to exercise it. This particular rhinoceros may be intimidating rather than mauling his target, but either way there's no stopping her.

"Lovesick Monkey Valentine"

Hope tomorrow goes better for the rest of you.

"a gnome mining a big gem"

Why do gnomes have to wear those hats? They seem like they'd be really impractical, particularly during the mining of big gems. The pointy shoes I understand, but I don't get the hats.

"A mermaid"

They didn't say "a pretty mermaid."

"Two 'Holy Mackerels' sit on a couch and watch reality TV"

The first time you see a retarded kid staple a lobster to his scrotum it's awesome, but after awhile the magic sort of fades.

"An owl drinking a beer"

It's actually his third... That's why he's giving you that "why hello there" look.

"Laser Man Wins at Indian Casino Slot Machine"

Laser Man is so lucky... He gets his very own Indian!

When you lose, the Indian pops out and says "Sorry, please try again" and then goes back inside the machine until the next time someone pulls the crank.

"Nord vs. Clown-Bear Hybrid (for Nord)"

I just now realized that I probably wasn't supposed to put "(for Nord)" on the card... Dammit. I'm sorry, Nord. At least you defeated that clown-bear hybrid there pretty decisively.

"When something is so awesome it gives you a 'soul boner'"

Yes, that is a soul boner coming out that guy's ears, not soul ejaculate. My religion forbids me from drawing soul ejaculate.

"Soul Boner" and/or "Soul Ejaculate" would be great names for a band. Somebody get on that post-haste.

"The Bastard and the Whine Factory"

The only hard information I had to go on was that the Bastard has a red beard, but I would've assumed that anyway.

"Laser Man, Super Hero"

Comic books would be a lot better if they had that "Super Hero" suffix. Imagine if instead of "The Amazing Spiderman" or "The Uncanny X-Men," it was "Spiderman, Super Hero" and "The X-Men, Super Heroes."

Actually, never mind.

"Waffles the Dog working at one of those corn dog stands"

Waffles is probably in the wrong line of business.

"The Ballad of Matilda and Skeeter - 'I'll Clean Your Ears If You Let Me Sit On Your Face'"

I was provided with the information that Matilda and Skeeter are dogs... Otherwise, I would've had a hard time forcing myself to draw this.

Side note-- I'm just going to stop putting people's names up there, unless specifically told to do so. Makes more sense.

Other side note-- I'm pretty backlogged, but making progress. My hand sorta cramped up over the weekend (side note to the other side note: don't play guitar in a krautrock band after spending a week drawing when you're not really used to it), and that sucked, but the crayons are back out and the beat goes on.

"Bush, Clinton, Salvador Dali, and Nixon playing Wii Sports. Dali's winning, so everyone else is pissed."

Dali's creativity is putting him over the edge, which only works with videogame sports. Creativity in the world of real sports will generally just get your ass kicked.

(Also, that's George H.W. Bush up there... I realized after I finished this that they probably meant the CURRENT President Bush, but seeing how charicatures aren't my strong suit the drawings would've probably turned out roughly the same anyway)

"A dinosaur playing golf"

Another example of someone who kicks ass at Putt-Putt discovering how that particular skill does not necessarily translate to being good at actual golf.

"A narwhal holding hands with a manatee! It's because they like each other" (for Emily Vance)

Thank you, Emily. Thank you.

"The Ninja, the Pinto and the Santeria" (for Joan Matelli)

Joan admits to drawing inspiration from one of my earlier pieces, "but mostly because I read the title wrong before I enlarged the image."

"Two Rock 'n Roll Unicorns bring down the house at karaoke" (for Amanda Glasbrenner)

I couldn't decide whether they were singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" or "Jellybones."

(By the way-- If you'd rather I not use your names on these, do let me know... I've been going with whatever Paypal gives me, but if you asked for "Hitlerpenis Rainbowjism Kablooie," and your parents or employers ever Google you, I would understand)

(Also by the way-- Please nobody ask for "Hitlerpenis Rainbowjism Kablooie." I've done that before, and once was enough)