"Snoop Dogg as a ballet dancer"

In terms of embarrassing career moves, this is almost as bad as when he signed to No Limit. Seriously... Master P? What were you thinking, Calvin? What were you thinking, America circa 1998?

"most stable conformation of cis-1-t-butyl-3-ethylcyclohexane"

He's even started watching American Idol, so he can keep up with the conversations at the office... Can't get any more conformed or stable than that.

(Like hell I was going to look up somebody's chemistry exam question and draw some periodic table bullcrap.)

"Luke gets paid to watch movies"

I wonder if he has to review them, too...

"a tap-dancing hippo in a tux"

When you're a tap-dancing hippo in a tux, focus is everything.

"James argues his case to the jury"

His argument actually made perfect sense; the jury's confusion stems from the fact that it was a burglary trial.

"Bert and Ernie finally go fisticuffs!"

You've got to hit a muppet pretty damn hard to knock its teeth out.

"Sailor Moon"

I feel that I showed considerable restraint in not giving Sailor Moon a speech bubble... After much consideration I decided that adding text would just be gilding the lily (the main contenders for what he'd be saying were "Get it?" and "Anime sucks!").

Parker Posey, a white kitten, and my Filipino roommate visit the Hollywood sign"

I suck at drawing perspective, so I should make it clear now that they're standing right next to the sign and "hill" (since I don't know if I did so very well with, y'know, the picture itself).

Also, I think it's a pretty safe bet that Parker Posey got to keep her costume from House of Yes, and wears it now and then.

Joe Mathlete says "Hi"

Hi!

So when I began this project, I didn't have many expectations. Among the expectations I didn't have:

1. I would end up having this many people asking (/paying hard-earned money to) me to draw them things.
2. That drawing things on index cards could take so much goddamn time.

As it stands, I've been playing catch-up since basically day one. It's been a complete and utter blast taking a couple words or phrases (even the Family Guy-style random assemblage of pop-culture references and wacky imagery) and translating them to silly little cartoon things (not to mention getting to indulge my inner toddler with crayons, which is as soothing and therapeutic as it is troubling to my parents*), and I don't intend to stop for a good long while. However, I find myself spending anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour on each card most of the time, especially if you count the multiple times per card I screw up and have to start over (they don't have erasable Sharpies yet, and I'm pretty terrible at drawing from a "technique" aspect), and the more orders come the further behind I find myself. It'd be one thing if this was my job, but then again, that would probably mean I would hate every aspect of this, and that can't happen.

Long story short, I'm going to stop taking orders for awhile as of right now, until I've drawn, colored, scanned, posted and shipped every single card I've got in my queue. I will continue updating this page with new cards, naturally; I've been averaging 10 cards a week or so, and I'll do my damnedest to keep that up. After I've whittled down the backlog, I'll put the paypal button back up, probably with a much sillier (read: higher) price than the four bucks I started off charging, to make sure I end up with a more discerning set of patrons (read: so I don't get swamped again).

Thanks for supporting this silly little endeavor of mine... It never ceases to amaze me that people are interested in how I goof off. For that I am eternally grateful, even when that attention leads to my having to be somewhat responsible in my goofing sometimes.

Beats,

Joe Mathlete

*: I'm speculating here. I can't imagine that any parent is especially encouraged when their grown son announces he's bought six packs of crayons and is going to spend the weekend coloring for people from the internet.


(This is a few years old... I crack me up)

"A unicorn/dragon battle"

I bought a fresh 12-pack of sharpies at the beginning of the month... I think they've really been helping my game. Also, I'm discovering I really, really love drawing fire.

"Lynyrd Skynyrd rocking out to a 23-minute version of 'Freebird'"

Too soon?

"A pirate, a genie, and a monkey"

They all share an apartment in Brooklyn for a couple of months, but get discouraged after nobody gives them a sitcom, or even a reality show. Eventually they kick the monkey out because he never pays rent and throws his poopoo everywhere, and one of the best/worst TV premises of the past decade is squandered.

"A frog floating in a specimen jar"

Science can be pretty damn tedious. It's not all explosions and eurekas, y'know.

"Brandon and Ally Get Married"

Marriage is a lot more laid back in the animal kingdom.

"Octopus drinking tea"

You might expect him to just be pounding that tea, what with the eight arms and everything, but dude's only got one mouth. Plus, it's really really good tea, and he wants to savor it.

"A large monster face eating a bologna tap dancing"

Pretty scary, huh?

"Some sort of sabre-toothed animal that would not normall be dangerous were it not for the teeth"

Pretty scary, huh?

"Sistine Chapel"

That's GOT to be embarrassing... Forgetting to wear any on the day you're created. At least I was pretty generous compared to Michelangelo.

"A fat guy on a couch watching TV"

That doesn't look like a very comfortable position he's in, but it's either lie down like that, move the TV, or lose some weight so he can lie down the other way and see over his belly. When you're a fat guy on a couch watching TV, the path of least resistance always wins out.

Marmaduke-Related Cards, Part Two

"Marmaduke biting the hand of God" (If you're wondering why God's hand is purple, just remember that He works in mysterious ways, and also works with his hands a whole lot. So we're probably not meant to know why his hands are purple. Or at least you're not)
"Marmaduke mauls Family Circus" (note: I stole the Marmaduke caption from this guy, an early fan of the Marmaduke Explained thing who sent me a very nice email that I never responded to because at that point I thought it was very bizarre that anyone was actually paying attention to my stupid blog about a comic strip. Sorry, man)

"Marmaduke. Clifford. Deathmatch." (Clifford would probably win. He's three stories tall, for pete's sake)
"A rugby team eats Marmaduke" (that'll teach him).

Finally, someone asked me to draw "Marmaduke f**king owner-man from behind, but owner-man should be smiling, not frowning." If you really want to see what I think that looks like, I guess you can click here, but it's totally up to you. Not anywhere near my finest moment.

For Part One (and some context): CLICKY CLICKY

"Satan torturing the Olsen Twins with fiery tongs given to him by Martha Stewart"

I tried doing the Creepy Olsen Raccoon Eyeliner, but it's hard with crayons so they just look sorta strung out. Which still works, I guess.

"a ninja wielding a fish as a weapon"

But at least they tried.

"My female co-worker drinking 2 liters of ginger ale in 30 minutes"

What a weird job to have.

"The Lesbian National Forest"

Was the pit hair and leg stubble a bit too much? I dunno how proud I am of this one.

"A grape playing guitar"

I don't know why he's bothering to learn that song on an acoustic guitar. What's the point of playing Foghat if you're not going to wail?

"A marine"

Dear the US Military: let me know if you're looking for new uniforms. This is just one basic concept of mine; I have several other ideas (especially for the Air Force... One word: capes).

"whatever you want, I'm not picky"

This has been my favorite request so far (obviously). The best part is, if I crop out the top part and think up a vague enough caption about offices or politics or office politics, I can probably get the New Yorker to give me a couple hundred bucks for it.

"A baby playing with a fish"

God, babies are ugly.

"Unrequited Love"

:...(

"A tyrannocoon"

Science 1, nature 0.

"a panda punching a guy in the crotch"

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

"All your hopes and dreams"

This one might need some clarification:

1. I would do other things with the time machine, of course. But the only real pressing task would be to go back to 1995 and have sex with Maura Tierney on the set of NewsRadio (she played Lisa Miller, the overachieving news director).
2. The date doesn't have to do with her age or anything. It has EVERYTHING to do with the availability of the NewsRadio set, which is very important to my... hopes and dreams.
3. Should I actually ever receive a time machine, I'm not expecting to simply waltz back to the set of NewsRadio circa 1995 and just start having sex with Maura Tierney. That's not how these things work... I'm going to romance her. Naturally.
4. If Maura Tierney is reading this (maybe she's a fan, or maybe she googles the hell out of her name on a regular basis): the NewsRadio set is not at all a dealbreaker. Feel free to email me and we can talk schedules.

"A t-rex eating a warm bowl of soup"

This explains why they went extinct... It took too long to eat soup, so eventually they just gave up out of frustration and starved to death.

I dunno about all the other kinds of dinosaurs, though.